There was a lot of screaming and crying today- and only about 50% of that came from my kids. Do you ever cry and have no idea why you are crying? That is what the last few days has felt like for me... I felt like my three year old who just couldn't get it together.
It's been a while coming. I feel like I've been barely treading water for sometime and although I am keeping my head above water- it's not enough to thrive, but enough to only survive. After the holidays and birthdays I thought it might get a little easier, but it didn't. Unexpected bills, too little time, too much work, housework that never ends, a husband that works hard and works a lot, no time to myself, laundry that literally grows overnight, dishes that don't ever really get done, not enough sleep, 10lbs that won't get the hell off of me... I am sure you can relate. We all have those stresses- that's life- and then you add in a three year old and all of the attitude that comes with that and I start to see someone I don't really like- myself.
this today and it just hit home. It's true- you know when I yell at my kid? It's not when she does something wrong, when she does something wrong I can handle it. I can reason that she is three and really doesn't know different yet. She can throw something at me, kick and scream and yell at me and the whole time I will keep my cool and put her in time-out. But I lose it when I am upset because I haven't done something that I could've done to curb a situation. It's when I have been lazy or selfish. I was running behind and decided not to empty the little potty right before running out the door and forgot about it when we got home. She had to go potty and wanted to bring it into the office where I was crying (why I don't know) chatting with a friend on Facebook. But I didn't empty it and so the trail of pee was following her and had also soaked through her clean pajamas and the rug in her room. I yelled. Why? Because I was mad... at myself. WHY didn't I empty it!? Why didn't I hear her tell me she needed to potty, because even though I don't remember it happening, I am sure she said something. I wasn't listening. I continued crying because I hated the way I reacted, but I couldn't find it in me to react differently. She has seen me cry too many times in the last few days and when she starts to cry with me because she doesn't understand why I am weeping in the car uncontrollably after getting the mail, it breaks my heart, "What's wrong mommy... are you sad?"
Yes... I am sad. I am sad because I don't quite have it together right now. I am sad because I am not on top of it. I am sad because I take it out on my kids. I am sad because they deserve a better version of me. I am sad because in my laziness I fall behind and while frantically trying to catch up my daughter acts like a three year old and doesn't know which version of me she is going to get. I am sad because my most important job right now is to be a mom and I am selfish with my time. I spend too much time on the computer and not enough time on the floor. I spend too much time reading status updates and not enough time reading books. I spend too much time pinning recipes and not enough time baking cookies. I spend too much time cleaning my inbox and not enough time cleaning my home. I spend too much time creating for others and not enough time harboring creativity and creating WITH my kids. My time with them is short, what am I doing with it? Where is the quality?
It's 1am right now, and tomorrow I can wake up and know that they will wake up, wanting every ounce of my attention, kiss me and hug me just like they've done every day before that- it doesn't change... but what will change is my awareness.
I know all moms have these moments, these times when we feel like we are
not enough. It just is what it is... one day, we get it together and
feel like we are on top of it, and then we fall again and do it all
over. It's just one of those things, one of the stages of being a mom,
being an imperfect mom, and being willing to admit that I am just
that... imperfect. Loving- definitely, patient- most of the time,
perfect- never, accepted by my kids regardless- always.
That's one of the beautiful things
about those little ones... they love us right through it all.